GUIDE
Walking on eggshells
It's the anticipating that's the symptom, not the arguing. If you've started changing what you do to avoid a reaction that hasn't happened yet, that's worth taking seriously — whatever the reason for it turns out to be.
What it looks like from inside
It's rarely dramatic. It's checking their face before you say something. Taking the earlier train. Not mentioning a friend by name. Rehearsing an ordinary sentence. Being able to tell what kind of evening it is from the sound of the front door.
None of it was asked for out loud. You worked it out, and you rearranged yourself around it, and it happened slowly enough that you can't find the week it started.
It isn't always about anger
Sometimes the thing you're avoiding is a sigh. Or a silence. Or a mood that lasts three days and never gets named.
That's the version people dismiss in themselves, because nobody shouted and nothing happened that you could describe to a friend. But the adjusting is the same, and so is the cost.
When did you start?
Worth actually answering, because most people can find the answer if they look. Usually there was a period before this, and something changed — an event, a stretch of stress, one bad reaction that taught you what to avoid.
Knowing when it started tells you whether this is who they are, or something the two of you built.
This is worth saying out loud
It's also very hard to say, because the honest sentence is "I'm managing you," and that lands badly however you word it.
Warmer
I've noticed I've started editing things before I say them to you — checking how you'll take it first. I don't think you've asked me to do that. But I'm doing it, and I don't want to.
More direct
I've become careful around you and I don't like who that's making me. I want to talk about it before it's normal.
One thing worth being clear about
If what you're anticipating is that someone will frighten or hurt you — if you've adjusted your behaviour because of what they might do rather than what they might feel — that's a different situation and it deserves proper support.
In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, available any hour. Elsewhere, your local equivalent. There's no threshold you have to meet before it's worth a conversation.
Honne is a private place to put words to it, with a PIN and a quick exit if your phone isn't only yours. It won't tell you what this is. Free to start, and nobody here is keeping a record.
You don't have to work this out alone, and you don't have to say it out loud to anyone yet.
One person, one account. Nothing shared, nothing sold.
Keep reading